My Left Hand’s Trying to Kill Me

Tonight I watched this episode of House which was all about right and left brain integration (or its opposite actually).  It was brilliant!  It  made it  clear to me why integration is so important.

You see, there was this guy whose left hand rebelled against his “mind”—his captain–the logical side of his brain.  In my life, my “left hand” makes all of these impulsive and destructive decisions, much to the distress of my left brain which scrambles to make sense of it and correct it’s behavior….but they can’t work together, separately.  I cannot ignore the feelings propelling the right brain and expect to change its behavior in any way.

So…..reflecting on this show I thought, “I am going to call Travis and tell him, ‘Even if you don’t understand the way that I think, even if you don’t like the way that I think, it is still the way that I think and I can’t change it,’” —–and some moments later I thought, “I am going to have Travis watch this episode over and over until he gets it, THEN he will see how important it is to have his right and left brain integrated.  Then my mental tone of voice changed, became maternal, (switched to my right brain), and said, “no, I am just pushing this outside, trying to solve MY problems outside of myself.”  And then I thought, “I must journal this”—–but then I realized that that too is trying to solve my problems outwardly.  Like in order for the thoughts to be real they had to be made physical–put into concrete language and made permanent in space.  But IT IS real in my mind even if it just stays there, perhaps especially if it only happens there. 

So I probably need to let go of my journal (and this blog) in order to give my right brain the freedom to express itself within my mind instead of putting it in a box of letters.  It deserves just as much respect, power and freedom as the left.

I need to let go of my journaling…but I may not be able to do it all at once.  I am addicted to other people’s approval which really only means I am addicted to projecting and attempting to face problems outwardly.  Journaling is still doing that, but it is at least only needing my own approval  (and perhaps anonymous  strangers…lol).  I guess I am weaning myself, step-down detox–decreasing the dose.

And something else…..I held Laykn in my arms as I watched this episode.  She slept, and she was so beautiful.  I stroked her tiny soft cheek with my finger and said, “Your momma loves you.” And she smiled in her sleep.  And at that moment I thought “What the hell am I searching for?  I am ALREADY in love.”

 

 

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